To disappear is the dream
Now, bare with me, as I don't think I'm someone special that deserves an audience for my own personal struggles. If anything, I see this entry as a post to myself. If people read it once I share it, great. If not, even better. With that said, I'm not looking for advice or your concern. I don't want pity. I want to understand, for myself. I want to find my own explanation. My own solution to this ever-looming problem... I'm very open to hear about experiences or feelings similar to the ones I'm going to discuss, though. Feel free to reach out to me in private if such is the case for you, personally.Ever since I can remember, I've fancied the thought of disappearing. And I know how that is going to sound to people. So, before it even becomes a thought that formulates in your mine, just know, by no means am I talking about suicide. At all in the piece, or ever in life. Just the opposite, in fact! What I mean when I say disappear, is being able to experience all life really has to offer beyond my life's little bubble. I hate this societal construct that is go to school, get a job, get married, buy a house, have children, grow old, and die. As a child, that idea never appealed to me. I never wanted a nine-to-five job with the occasional vacation thrown in, a white picket fence, or a nice little family in a nice little town. The idea of that made me sick. To me, life has always conveyed itself as being so much bigger to me than that. After all, with less than a hundred years on earth, the idea of wasting any fraction of that time on stuff that never really mattered to me sucked. I wanted to escape that system, I hoped and dreamed that one day I would. I planned on breaking the chain.
Today, as a twenty-three year old man in a very committed relationship, with a stable job, a decent car, and a place of my own, I remain unfulfilled. Some of the strongest feelings I feel these days are the urges that tell me to pack a small bag, throw it into my car, and leave in the middle of the night. Tell nobody. Just start new somewhere else. And it is nobody's fault, either. And in many ways, it is a selfish way of thinking. This I know. But, that isn't really enough to convince me otherwise.
Thinking out loud right now has me imagining the quiet roads that would lay in wait for me to cross them. The crisp, early morning air raging in from all four of the open windows. My eyes strained from the hour, yet easily staying excitedly focused. The wildness and the freedom that would rush over me as the adrenaline began to pump at the sight of the stretching highway ahead, knowing that I had finally escaped. No plan of where to go, but know that I'm finally going. Drive until the roads stop or the car does. With my only friends being the belongings I packed, and the pedals beneath my feet.
In fact, I've always liked to be a kid that, after high school, people wondered what ever happened to. Distance really has always been a go-to for me, especially when it came to unfavorable situations. When friends chose drugs and I didn't, I kept my distance. I stopped hanging out with them and flew solo. When a girl didn't reciprocate strong feelings for me, I kept my distance. I stopped reaching out or putting in effort to see the relationship through. When my extended family fell into turmoil, I kept my distance. I stopped being myself at dinners or parties.
I slowly feel myself coming to a crossroads in life, as if everything has built up until now, and it scares me. I think a lot of the pressure I put on myself to start over stems from my financial positioning, dreams I've left unrealized, and the fact that time continues to tick quickly by without me.
I've become more and more unhappy with my current job. I can't live with the pay or the people for much longer. Each month, I am left with just enough money to scrape by with my own bills and that's about it. I feel like less of a man due to me being unable to currently provide the financial stability that my girlfriend needs and deserves. I feel guilty that I can only afford the sporadic dinner date and grocery money every month, as she floats most of the apartment's bills. I don't know where to turn, and it is starting to turn me into a very bitter person. For these reasons, my financial position has me ready to disappear.
I have a true passion for professional wrestling, and a year after I graduated high school, I enrolled in a professional wrestling training program. It was my dream to be like the men I idolized on television as my version of superheroes. However, after a few short months, I gave up. I stopped going after a nagging ankle ankle injury, and a friend I attended with also threw in the towel. I didn't give it my all, at it kills me. It is a dream I never gave a real chance to, and it still calls out to me.
I also dream of going back to college to further my education in my other passion, that being writing. I continue to make excuses and delay going back, because I find all that goes into getting back into the groove to be overwhelming. The paperwork, phone calls, meetings, and overall hoops one has to jump through to go back to school between getting transcripts, applying for financial aid, and actually applying stands as enormous barriers for me right now. I know I have to do it, but the more I wait, the more depressed about it all I feel. I know I have no real excuse, and that's what kills me. In hindsight, I know I should've never taken time off in between transferring. Wasting almost two years away from school continues to chip away at me.
Another dream that continues to taunt me is one that I've only recently began to strive for, and that is moving to Japan. As the ultimate way to escape, over the last several years, I've seen Japan as my ultimate destination. The kindness, beauty, and distance that country would provide me with truly enchants me. However, the pressure to visit first, and to do it soon, has been another stressor for me. I don't want it to be just another dream I'm barely chasing.
Finally, time. I constantly feel like I have no time. My life is rushed, because I make it feel that way. I felt rushed into moving out. I feel rushed to get a new job. I feel rushed to go back to school. I feel rushed to make up my mind about making decisions on wrestling or not. I feel rushed to get to Japan. I feel rushed to take my relationship to the next level. I feel rushed to spend time with my family. The fact that I have no control over such things drives me insane. Sometimes, I wish I could just fast-forward to a later point in my life, where all these things have been addressed, decided on, and settled. I think it is undiagnosed anxiety. I don't know...
Perhaps, that's where that road would take me; Away from all the failing aspirations, relationship strains, and financial stress I put myself through. Maybe that's the reason I'm in love with idea of disappearing, because not only would I'd be leaving behind the abysmal area of upstate New York and all the lack of opportunity that goes along with it, I'd be escaping myself. I'd break free from the chain that has bound me to my own disappointments in life.
A simple vacation only temporarily allows me to escape. Disappearing for a week isn't enough time for me to find what I'm currently looking for, and always have been in search for: More.
Life owes me nothing. I owe myself. And when I disappear, it'll be to pay out what I believe I owe.
With that, I'd like to leave you with a poem I scribbled down on the inside of a yellow science folder many, many years ago:
One Day
One day, I'll drop off the grid
Success will mean seclusion
So, from this day until then
Truly cherish my inclusion
Thanks for reading, whoever you are.
- Austin.
Comments
Post a Comment